When people say 'you can't change who you are,' they fundamentally misunderstand what being transgender means. Trans people are not changing who they are - they are expressing and living as who they have always been. The authentic self was always there; what changes is the courage and opportunity to live openly and honestly.
This common objection reveals a profound confusion about transgender identity. Being transgender is about aligning your external life with your internal truth, not about becoming someone different. Helen Webberley emphasises that transgender people are not transforming into new people - they are finally able to show the world who they truly are.
The difference between expression and identity
Identity is internal and constant. A transgender woman was always a woman, even when society required her to present as male. A transgender man was always a man, regardless of the assumptions others made about him. What changes is not the person's core identity, but their ability to express that identity authentically in the world.
When someone transitions, they are not changing their fundamental nature. They are removing the barriers - social, medical, legal - that prevented them from living as themselves. This is similar to how someone might change their appearance, name, or lifestyle to better reflect their personality, but they remain essentially the same person.
Understanding authenticity versus performance
Many people confuse gender expression with gender identity. Before coming out, transgender people often perform a gender role that does not match their internal sense of self. This performance can be convincing and sustained for years, leading others to believe this performed identity represents the 'real' person.
The truth is that the performed gender was the artificial construction. When someone stops performing and begins living authentically, they are not changing - they are finally being themselves. This explains why many transgender people report feeling more comfortable, confident, and genuinely happy after transitioning.
Responding with compassion and clarity
When faced with this objection, Helen recommends explaining that transgender people are not changing who they are, but rather stopping the exhausting work of pretending to be someone else. You might say: 'They're not changing who they are - they're finally showing you who they've always been.'
This response helps others understand that transition is about authenticity, not transformation. It challenges the assumption that what someone appeared to be on the surface represents their true self. Most people can relate to the experience of hiding parts of themselves or feeling unable to express their authentic personality in certain situations.
For personalised guidance on transgender healthcare and support with identity questions, Helen Webberley offers expert clinical consultations through her practice at helenwebberley.com.